so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
