I could have mohawked her pubes.
she peed on how many people?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
