Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
