i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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