I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my phone needs a breathalizer
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
