everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
