i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
