he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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