Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Four minutes until I can fart!
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
