I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
