I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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