Cold hands, warm shart.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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