I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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