Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
