critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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