Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
