got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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