I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
