how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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