Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I am one with the molecules
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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