I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
