haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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