If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
