How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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