I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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