so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
