In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
