Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
