I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
