I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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