I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
