A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
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