The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
