I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
