guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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