I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
