Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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