she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
