11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
