3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
