I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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