the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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