You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
