you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
