OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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