During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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