video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
