Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
