His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
