He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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