Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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