Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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