It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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