my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
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