how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
