dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
