You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
