did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
