the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
