tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
