i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Randomize
