I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We left the knife in your bed.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Randomize
