I'm gonna have a badass scar
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
